This late-eighties Australian inclusion to the slasher cycle is famous mainly for being the most widely panned of all of the hack and slash entries. It even manages to out-trash utter trashola like Home Sweet Home and the abysmal Voyeur.com in the bad review stakes. Considering the 'quality' of those aforementioned movie nightmares, being that poorly received is quite a considerable achievement. Perhaps Houseboat's only saving grace is the fact that it has become so immensely rare to fans of the genre outside Melbourne, that most of us have more chance of buying the winning lottery ticket than actually seeing the damn thing. With that said, I must admit that its mystifying disappearance has indeed given the picture something of an alluring edge. I am 'fortunate' enough to be one of the few that actually own this rarity of a mishap on VHS and therefore feel a certain moral commitment to share my views on whether it's actually as bad as its reputation would lead you to believe.

The hackneyed plot is a pure cut and paste amalgamation of two of its biggest American brethrens: Friday the 13th and The Burning. You can almost picture Ollie Martin standing in front of his full-length mirror and imagining that he actually was Sean S. Cunningham circa 1980! Director Grant Evans (Alan Dale) has been giving the job of shooting a music video for a struggling local rock band. He has chosen the location of Lake Infinity as a backdrop for his creation and before long his crew, the gang of musicians and their rowdy groupies are floating aboard the Houseboats of the title. Unfortunately for the youngsters, they decide to settle in the location where many years ago a group of actors were mysteriously torched and a young child was horrendously disfigured. Have you worked it out yet? Thought as much. Yes, it's no surprise when almost as soon as they arrive, the motley crew begins to fall prey to the frazzled hands of an unseen maniac - Ho-hum indeed. The rest of the story goes exactly where you'd expect it too as the crispy killer makes short work of the outrageously mulleted cast members…

To be fair, Houseboat Horror starts commendably with an atmospheric (and gory) murder and chase sequence that is plagued only by the fact that the comical young actress can't resist flickering her eyelids when she's supposed to be 'dead'. She effectively set the cheesy tone of the feature not only with her failings in playing death, but also with her pre-demise cheery chatter, which is sparked with the classic line: "Awww Gee thanks for the lift!" The real hilarity is caused by her inexplicably over-the-top accent, which would make the residents of Ramsey Street blush in shame. And talking of Ramsey Street, who could fail to mention that one of the beer swilling, woman pressing rebel rousers is none other than Alan Dale, who is of course most famously known as Jim Robinson from Neighbours. Old Helen Daniels would be turning in her grave if she witnessed his loutish shenanigans, which include swearing prolifically and racing his car on the wrong side of the road. What a rebel! Even more surprising is the fact that his former neighbour (for want of a better word) and equally frumpy pudding faced goody-goody, Harold Bishop (Ian Smith) also expressed his dark side in another cheesy throwaway named Body Melt. Neither actor returned to the horror genre, which I'm sure was an easy decision for the pair to make. The choice between 'acting' besides mega-babes to the quality of Kylie Minogue, Natalie Imbruliga and Holly Valance and 'acting' besides a gang of talentless unattractive brain-starved strumpets is surely no real choice at all!

The flaws begin piling up when we're introduced to the cast of no-hopers, who manage to break records in the speed that they will begin clawing at the strings of your patience. Fifteen minutes into the feature you'll be preying for a couple of The Burning's 'raft sequences', so you can witness five or six of the poorly dramatised losers getting splattered simultaneously. Unfortunately, this Jason Voorhees wannabe is nowhere near as creative as good old Cropsy, so you'll have to watch the numb-skulls getting slaughtered one by one – extremely S-L-O-W-L-Y. In fairness, the murders are without a doubt the film's gory highlight, simply because they boast some tacky yet surprisingly rewarding gore effects. They also include a couple of murderous devices that are rarely seen in slasher cinema (Harpoon, flamethrower and how could I forget the horseshoe?) The chance of seeing Jim Robinson get his head split in half with a giant machete is an occasion that I found simply too irresistible to miss.

Houseboat Horror certainly isn't fine art, but for all its nonsensical amateurism it does at least manage to provide a few bad movie giggles. The back cover boldly boasts the inclusion of a 'pop hit', which once heard is side splittingly rancid at best (titled "Young Cool and Groovy" no less). Or what about the hero who manages to go toe to toe with the maniac five minutes after he's been almost chopped in half by a machete? And I can't forget when the same character is first confronted by the hulking killer and goofs, "Awww p**s off!" I could go on all day, but instead I'll leave you with a choice slice of dialogue that I believe sums up this whole movie experience perfectly. When one of the bit part extras asks one of the mulleted moppets if his brain is in repeat mode, he answers boldly "Nah, just a little retarded" I couldn't have put it any better myself

In this extremely low-budget ( I've seen home movies made with better production value) Australian utter rip-off of "the Burning" & "Friday the 13th", a band is planning to make a music video while on a houseboat. They're stalked by a serial killer who was burned years before. This movie is even proclaimed to be 'the worst Australian film ever made' in it's DVD promotional material. That's it's only selling point! Complete and utter rubbish in every considerable way. Perhaps a few chuckles here and there for bad movie lovers, but it still made me want to burn out my retinas.

Eye Candy: a quick flash of barely existent itty bitty titties in a lame shower scene

My Grade: F

Houseboat Horror is a great title for this film. It's absolutely spot-on, and therefore the only aspect of the film for which I can give 10 out of 10. There are houseboats, there is horror, there's even horror that takes place on houseboats. But if there were ever a tagline for the film poster, it would surely be 'Something shonky this way comes...' for Houseboat Horror is easily the worst Australian horror film I've ever seen, not to mention one of the worst horror films I've ever seen, and a fairly atrocious attempt at film-making in general. The good news is, it's so bloody awful, it sails straight through the zone of viewer contempt into the wonderful world of unintentional hilarity. It's worth watching *because* it's bloody awful.

The category of 'worst' comes not from the storyline, for the simple reason that there actually is one: a record producer, a film crew and a rock band drive up to the mystifyingly-named Lake Infinity, a picturesque rural retreat somewhere in Victoria (in reality Lake Eildon) to shoot a music video. Someone isn't especially happy to see them there and, possibly in an attempt to do the audience a favour, starts picking them off one by one with a very sharp knife. Even more mystifying is how long it takes the survivors to actually notice this,

On the surface, it looks like a very bog-standard B-movie slasher. You've got highly-annoying youths, intolerant elders, creepy locals (one of whom, a petrol station attendant, would easily win a gurning competition), and let's face it, my description of the murderer could easily be Jason Voorhees. Ah, but if only the acting and production values were anywhere near as good as the comparative masterpiece that was Friday The 13th Part VII. Unfortunately, Houseboat Horror is completely devoid of both these things.

But in the end, this only makes what you do get so ridiculous and amusing. Fans of one-time 'Late Show' and 'Get This' member Tony Martin will already be aware of some of the real dialogue gems ('Check out the view...you'll bar up!'), while the actual song to accompany the music video is so bad it has to be heard to be believed - I can't help wondering if writer/director Ollie Wood hoped it would actually become a hit. The horror element is comparable I think to B-slashers of the genre and particularly of the period, but there were times when I couldn't help imagining someone biting into a hamburger off-screen and seeing a volley of tomato sauce sprayed at the wall on-screen.

Indeed, if you've been listening to Tony Martin recommending this film as hilarious rubbish like myself, I don't think you'll be disappointed. Any fans of 'so-bad-it's-good' horror should not pass up the opportunity. Whether you'll 'bar up' or not though is another matter. If, on the other hand, you are in search of genuine excellence in the Australian horror genre, get yourself a copy of the incomparable 'Long Weekend' and don't look back.