Complete failure of a horror that actually has no "raison d'être" whatsoever because only three (I repeat THREE) people die throughout the entire film and two (again, I repeat, TWO) of these three deaths occur off-screen! I've seen Disney Pixar flicks where more characters died. By the way, that was a spoiler warning! What makes all this even worse is the fact that the basic premise actually holds quite a bit of potential and the opening sequences are even intriguingly mysterious and never seen before. A battle ax of a woman hires some men in clean white coats to take away her husband to the loony bin. Several years later – although later specified as exactly four – the man breaks out the asylum on Halloween night (in the lamest imaginable way by dressing up as an elderly woman) and returns homewards with exclusively vengeance on his mind. His evil hag of a wife, who in the meantime re-married the sleazy magician artist David Carradine, is not there on "the night he came home" (copyright John Carpenter's "Halloween") but the cute babysitter is looking after their chubby and unimaginably annoying son, who persists on playing lame pranks (and the bimbo babysitter persists on falling for them as well). It takes literally ages before anything remotely horror-related occurs. The film isn't exactly boring; it's just nothing like a horror/slasher effort. There are numerous pointless interludes to fill up the running time, like a complete narration of the Boy Who Cried Wolf fairy tale and the showing of a horror film within the film, something about Dracula reviving the Frankenstein monster, because two chicks are editing a film the babysitter slash actress starred in. It's not the least bit relevant; it's just another way to kill off a couple of minutes.

I sometimes really wondered if "Trick or Treats" was intended as a comedy, because certain parts are just so incredibly over-the-top and senseless, like the live news reporting from inside the asylum after the escape, but then again other parts as well as the acting performances are so sincere and straight-faced that I think we're supposed to take this rubbish seriously. The chubby 8-year-old amateur magician is literally, hands down, THE most annoying kid ever displayed on screen and, especially with the slow pacing in this film, you just know from the beginning that we won't have the pleasure of watching him die. "Trick or Treats" is a "Halloween" knock-off without any actual slashing going on. It's a lousy and boring movie, completely bloodless and without the slightest form of suspense. The supportive roles of Steve Railsbeck and David Carradine are completely wasted and did I tell you already this piece of junk hardly features any on screen bloodshed? Epic failure, that's what they call this sort of stuff these days on the Internet.

TRICK OR TREATS is a deservedly forgotten comedy horror film from 1982 that attempts to spoof HALLOWEEN but does so in perhaps the least funny way ever. The story is about a struggling blonde actress who takes on a one-night job as a babysitter to one of the most annoying brats you'll have seen in a while. Most of the screen time is made up with the endless repetitive pranks that the kid plays on said babysitter; they lose steam after about five minutes. A sub-plot involves a maniac escaping from a mental asylum, but this never really goes anywhere and is tied off in a 30 second scene. Mild interest is raised by the presence of familiar faces in supporting roles (including David Carradine, Carrie Snodgress, and Steve Railsback) but very little is made of them and overall this is a chore to sit through.

This supposed horror spoof came to us courtesy of the legendary B movie cinematographer Gary Graver, here functioning as screenwriter, editor, D.P., and director. I can get that it's attempting to mock "Halloween" type films, but it seriously lacks any sort of wit, and Graver fails to make it particularly interesting, despite the magic angle. There's a number of familiar faces here, but they're mostly just picking up paychecks in brief special appearances (especially Steve Railsback, who you only ever see on the phone). Graver doesn't achieve any sort of tension, and some of the characters are beyond annoying. There are some guffaws to be had, but they're few and far between.

Top billed Jacqueline Giroux is clearly too old for her role, but is undeniably sexy as Linda, a struggling actress who agrees to take a babysitting gig because it will pay well. The kid in question is Christopher O'Keefe (who's played by Chris Graver, the real-life son of Gary G. and co-star Jillian Kesner), whose mother Joan (Carrie Snodgress) had her husband Malcolm (character actor Peter Jason, recognizable for his work with Walter Hill and John Carpenter) wrongly committed to an insane asylum. Joan has remarried, to a magician named Richard Adams (David Carradine), and Malcolm busts out of the asylum - disguised as a nurse - to wreak revenge on Joan. Meanwhile, Christopher spends the whole night terrorizing Linda with a series of macabre pranks.

If there's anything giving "Trick or Treats" any sort of stature, it's the fact that none other than Orson Welles, for whom Graver worked on Welles's later film projects, is credited as the "magic consultant". And these magic gags do manage to be mildly amusing. Otherwise, this is pretty blah stuff. Jason in drag is a sight to behold, in any event. Railsback and Carradine, who look like their scenes were filmed in a day or less, are utterly wasted in their roles. If you do watch, be sure to look for the following people in supporting roles and bits: delectable exploitation actress Kesner as Lindas' friend Andrea, football players Dan Pastorini and Tim Rossovich as attendants, Paul Bartel as a bum, John Blyth Barrymore (older half brother to Drew Barrymore) as a mad doctor in the movie-within-the-movie, Catherine E. Coulson (the Log Lady from 'Twin Peaks') as a nurse, and the director himself as a counterman. Giroux is somewhat appealing, but her character isn't particularly sympathetic because she falls for the kids' antics too many times, and the kid himself is extremely obnoxious. They definitely detract from whatever enjoyment the viewer might have.

If you must see it for completions' sake, be my guest, but don't get your hopes up very high.

Five out of 10.