How you perceive this film depends on what you expect going in. If you're hoping for a high-octane disaster film with great special effects you're going to be sorely disappointed. If, on the other hand, you expect

1) a terrible story

2) special effects that look like they were created in Paint

3) terrible casting

4) terrible acting

5) terrible dialogue

6) every cliché known to man

7) even terrible costumes

then you're really going to enjoy this.

The plot, as such, has some ultra-destructive element being taken to the deepest reaches of the ocean to protect the world from Armageddon. It was contained somewhere in Canada, but due to oil drilling in the area it has to be moved. Taking it by plane is hopeless, as the speed at which it travels renders it unstable, so the only solution is to take it via the world's biggest tanker. On the way it comes up against a "rogue" wave that appears out of nowhere, despite all the latest gadgetry on board and the fact that it's constantly being tracked by satellite. Various calamities befall the ship, meaning they have to "vent" the element several times to stop it from combusting. These vents create deadly clouds that destroy anything in its path - including a plane that decides to divert JUST when it's about to go into the cloud, a cruise ship with flabby belly'd "hot" girls sipping cocktails, and Hawaii. Watch in a total absence of awe as these things are destroyed by terrible special effects.

As for the special effects, clearly the people responsible have never seen such things as a plane taking off or landing, nor have they ever looked at a cloud. You sit looking at the screen thinking, "How on earth..." Bad doesn't come close, they're hilariously awful. The green screen work is also terrible - faces that seem to melt into the background, for example, or the whole scene in the cemetery.

Then there's the casting. The guy who plays the Admiral is wrong on so many levels - completely lacking in authority, a terrible voice, and he's not helped by a uniform that looks like he's pulled it out of the fancy dress box. The female lead is played by "Jon Mack", whose career has included the dizzying heights of "FBI Agent #3". Of course, it doesn't help that the dialogue she's been saddled with is like something written by school children, but she is dire. All other actors are bad, but those two stand out.

The dialogue seems to have been cut-and-paste from every other disaster movie ever made, from the angry confrontation scenes between the military top brass, to the final lines spoken in the cemetery. You could watch this with the sound off and still know what they were saying.

There are simply too many clichés here to list, but don't be surprised to find the Chinese computer whizz that nobody can understand, the alcoholic brought in to save the day, the military who are stupid and devious, the government official who cares more about saving face than anything, and there's even a child rescuing a dog who is momentarily lost. Yes, they cram everything they can into this film!

I've given this 1 star, based on the premise that this was supposed to be a halfway decent film. But really I want to give it 10/10 as I thoroughly enjoyed every excruciating moment. If you're expecting Die Hard on a boat, forget it. If you're willing to turn your brain off for 90 minutes, you might just find you enjoy it.

SUPER TANKER has to be the worst SyFy Channel-funded movie ever. Even the title is boring. This is the pits, worse even than all the dodgy disaster movies they make and the monster flicks combined. The plot involves some nuclear cloud that has the power to form and destroy whatever it comes into contact with, and there's a lot of stuff on ships with various officious types ranting and struggling to prevent a disaster and to cover the whole thing up before anybody finds out.

The film's leads are vacuous and wooden and the whole thing is only notable for the familiar actors they've roped into appearing; David Schofield and Ben Cross must have been really hard up to agree to star in this nonsense. The special effects of the cloud are just about adequate but the various CGI ships and helicopters are appalling indeed. I like the way the scriptwriter plays casual racism for laughs, nice touch there bud. Just kidding...SUPER TANKER is a real mess and has no redeeming features whatsoever.

I should have expected this, knowing SyFy's overall track record, which is a sprinkle of tolerable movies amidst a sea of awful and bottom-of-the-barrel ones. I can describe Super Tanker in several words and phrases, and super isn't one of them. More like hilariously awful and bottom-of-the-barrel. Is it the worst SyFy movie? Not quite, with Titanic II and Quantum Apocalypse. But it is down there in the bottom 10, maybe even bottom 5.

Actually, I would go as far to say that Super Tanker is one of the worst films I have seen in a while, making atrocities like 2010: Moby Dick, Camel Spiders, Almighty Thor, Dinocroc vs SuperGator AVH: Alien vs Hunter and Battle of Los Angeles Best Picture worthy in comparison.

Super Tanker, like a lot of SyFy's output looks really cheap. The scenery and settings have a really dull look to them, the costumes do look like they had been retrieved from a dressing up box and the effects are some of the most slapdash and inconsistent I've seen. Add to that, a really disjointed, predictable and sluggishly paced story, the cheesiest dialogue I have seen from any movie in the past three months, repetitive stock footage and clichés enough to fill a 500-1000 page novel and you have a film that is just as disastrous and the characters', none of which you care for by the end of the day, predicaments.

But I can't not mention the acting, which is either overdone(the admiral) or non-existent(the leads), even from the bikini clad girls. All in all, if I could rewrite the title I would call it Awful Stinker, it's that bad. 0/10 Bethany Cox